What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 13:32
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was very sick at this time too.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
All the time i was locked up.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Especially a lifetime of it.
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And i lived it daily.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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Was to survive, this bastard.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Why are you a Muslim? Why is it Islam for you and not something else?
My family never makes their pension either.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Can you name an example of bad parenting?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Have you been with a stranger yet?
I think the readers, may guess!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
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I couldn’t, believe it.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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When she asked me how she looked .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was 9 years of age.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
(And it was in our own minds.)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So whats the point in blame.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He knew the spot.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One cannot live in the past .
Who then, do I blame.?
Ive learnt so much.
I write beautiful poetry .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She married twice! .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I have no regrets .
I waited trembling.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I don,t even have a pension.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Put me off passion for life!!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But ive been too sick for many years..
She was in good health!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
What did i know ?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
So, i spoilt her more .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We all went to grammer schools
She loved him until the end.
I will be 64.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As i do to all so called friends.?
She found it foreign!.
I was scared of men, in general
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But it wasn’t much.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She wouldn,t have been !
Im still living with it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But, we were locked up after school.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Comes on , in middle age.
We were not on the streets..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
This is soul school!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was seconnd youngest,
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My life is so biszare .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
It was going to be , some day.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I never cut or harmed myself..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I said to her
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Would this be the day?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers